I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
can I use a minion as a tampon
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.