a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Fight
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Dietest Coke
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?