Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
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Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Buying a well is money well spent.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers