If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.