My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
You Might Also Like
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”