Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
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Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Kermit goes Blue.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.