The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
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Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Running from your problems is cardio .
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
english majors be like furthermore
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?