I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello