British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
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absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Meow
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”