If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.