Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
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I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
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Morningbreath
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@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.