Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
This was the best day of my life
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
She was rare, like a goth jogging