I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
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Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego