just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
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“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Need this in my life lol
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..