I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
You Might Also Like
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Mission: Impossible
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.