You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
You Might Also Like
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.