I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
good work, detective
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.