Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.