*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl