How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject