People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
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Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I am crying
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself