RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.