Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
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[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Monday
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund