A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
channeling her this year
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Jail
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Not helping
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”