‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
🤣could you imagine
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
how to have an accident 101
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff