“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?