My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
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Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
found this cool rock hiking today
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Noted.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]