A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
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*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice