Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.