When libraries troll their patrons.
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I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks