[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
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Love this one 😂🧟
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .