I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.