Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.