If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Mistakes were made
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie