“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
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I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler