[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
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[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.