[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Just grow your own
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in