Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
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I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Carpe DM
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.