if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
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