People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
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People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.