*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?