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I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car