I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Otters see a butterfly.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.