Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
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Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.