My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I get distracted pretty eas
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.