Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
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Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs