[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.