According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin