One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
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From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Sheep
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment