Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.